Hawkes Bay Monster Hunters



Those Dam Monster Bitch’s are going DOWN !!!!

Thanks for Nothing you Hippies.
Max Headrooms private thoughts.

So we receive a call from our so called employers. " The Company" ( thanks for the training you bastards what a great help you are. )

They want us to go and investigate a few disappearances over the border in Texas in a Amish Community.

Skinner our contact asked us for an equipment list and it would be doped off to us at the local Ranger Department for us to pick up ( these guys have some contacts for a secret origination )

What a lot of good it did us though all our stuff was taken from us when we arrived at the community. i really could have used my gun it turns out – will get to that.

The group was invited to a dance at the Amish Town Hall ( great time to get some info on what was happening.) Turns out that the disappearances have been happening over ten years and only now have they asked for help ( pride anyone?? )

i got some useful info from the leader of the Amish and a little old lady too. ( Leader must be a werewolf – must keep an eye on him. )

Next morning we head out for a days hike to one of their failed community’s.
Armed with our pitch forks , Axes and bow and arrows, Super equipment for tackling the supernatural, way better than Guns !! thanks for that Amish.

We came across the old buildings of the failed community and it was getting dark so we camped up for the night in one of the better looking dwellings.

it did not take to long before we were attacked buy some form of supernatural entity.
it managed to move parts of the house and talk to use in an eerie way – quite unsettling.

(Ring a Ring o Rosie) never listing to that again and not remembering this night.

our Lumber jack stood in the door and was assaulted buy a very ugly …. thing ….. i managed to get one arrow loose before we closed the door and the … thing … had fallen to the ground.

now there are more outside and the Lumber jack is not looking to flash.

Could really use my gun about now.

Thanks Amish.

Amish are weird

Carlos’ journal 1

We got a job. Our first real job.

Everybody in our small clique has seen, heard, felt or been involved in something unnatural. Some more than others, but enough to let us all know we aren’t alone in the dark. Hell, we’re not even alone in the daytime.

Things go bump no matter when or where it is. So we started a company that contracts for the government, dealing with supernatural sh*t. And we just got our first job…

Gotta go to Texas and check out some disappearances in an Amish community. Apparently they don’t like outsiders, so we have to do as we’re told and behave.

We drive over and grab some stuff from the local rangers station. The others needed some extra cr*p. Me? A decent flak jacket and a chainsaw and I’m good.

We get there and get called english all the bloody time. Weird. And they dress odd. Like super formal if you were living over a hundred years ago. And no stuff like phones and computers and sh*t. How the hell do they survive?

We get told where to park our car and get shown our lodgings and then get given a pie, which gets eaten before dinner, almost entirely by Jazz, the greedy bastard.

Dinners called and we get to hang out in a hall with everybody else staring at us and watching us eat. It’s like being the f*cking monkey in a zoo. Eat your food llama! Anyway, it’s not bad and I eat heaps. The others start dancing with kids, talking to the old people and then having a wander round outside.

I grab a seat and wait for the sh*t to hit the fan so I can start hitting stuff.

Nothing happens. Boring, so I head back to the house and grab some shut eye. Next thing I know it’s early and as I’m pottering round the kitchen, some muffins get delivered, along with some bacon and eggs for breakfast. Since I’m the only one up, I grab my share first (it’s a damn big share) and eat as many of the muffins as possible so Jazz can’t have any and then let the others know breakfast is up.

Apparently we have to leave all our useful stuff in the compound, so I grab an axe and make do. We’re headed to an old settlement that got abandoned fifteen years ago, and it’s a days walk. Easy enough.

Get stopped by a good sized tree blocking the path, so I clear it a bit to make access easier (might as well warm the axe up) and get bugged by a stupid creepy doll hanging on the tree.

Make it to the abandoned settlement and find a reasonably safe building to hang in and wait for daylight so we can scout around, but we don’t get that much time.

Something is calling out for us to play with them and come out side, so I go to have a look and something is running full speed at the door. By the time I heft my axe, it’s right there in my face trying to rip it off. I give it a good couple of whacks with the axe, but the damn thing barely noticed, and tore me up pretty good.

It falls over, just as I’m about to, so we slam the door shut and listen as more things mover round the outside. This doesn’t look super promising for collecting our first paycheck. F*ck!

Scratch that...DEAD Amish are even weirder

Carlos’ journal 2

Luckily I didn’t sustain too much in the way of injuries other than bruising, but those damn things hit really hard! Managed to get up, block the door and rest up until morning. Hopefully we can find out a bit more in the daylight.

Of course…the daylight doesn’t come does it?

The sun has probably risen over an hour ago, and the fog is so thick it’s like soup and I can barely see more than a couple of metres in front of my face.

Max is clearly frustrated and throws the front door open and strides out to the calls of those weird dead kids asking us to come out and play. I follow to make sure he doesn’t go an get himself killed and I’m a little relieved that the others decide to follow as well.

Hearing voices in two different directions, I go one way with Jasper and Max heads the other way with…damn it, that damn zombie thing must have given me a concussion…I can’t remember his name!

I head into the soupy fog and find a lake. I can hear some weird chanting in spooky child-like voices coming from the nearby forest and there looks to be a couple of figures walking towards me and Jasper. I yell out for Max as well and heft my axe, because I know this is going to get messy in some way.

The man that said yep

So there we were sourounded by zombie things in the middle of nowhere.

 The ax whelding guy that has a vocabulary of 1 word opened the door inviting in one of these zombies. I stood there with my caveman bow and arrow ready to put another end to this undead creature. It walked on in and was meet with an ax to the body , it looked at yep man and began bashing him to the ground so we closed the door and hoped for the best.

It was at this point the yep man found his voice though I wish he had not. For the next 6 hours all we herd was I nearly died, it hurt so much, bla bla bla. 

The next morning the undead had gone and it was very misty outside so I went for a stroll outside quickly followed by the now not so single worded lumberjack. We split up and are hearing (play with us) I have said to the voices yes I will play but have yet to be given a game to play.



Beginning to REALLY hate Amish
Carlos' journal 3

Carlos’ journal 3


More zombie things from out of the mist. Jasper and I do the only sensible thing and attack. No point in wandering round aimlessly hoping to escape not knowing what’s out there. I go low with the axe and he goes high with a pig sticker.

The others join up pretty quickly since they followed our voices and the sounds of wet thudding.

Zombies smashed, forest quickly explored in the local area, we head back the way we came. There is a two story stone building that looks like the mill. The door is some seriously re-enforced sh*t, and since I can’t hear anything in there, we move on.

An abandoned school, to go with the rest of this abandoned, creepy place was the next port of call. Nothing much in there except a bird nest with some fancy named bird in there. Oh, and another creepy doll. The Amish have GOT to get better toys. How do their kids not wake up screaming each night is beyond me.

Heading back down the path towards the mill and we hear a gunshot. In Amish lands!


I hit the dirt real quick like while two of the others scattered to either side. I bolt towards the mill door with max right behind me. Crashing into the door with my axe, i barely made a dent in the thing. I feverishly hacked at the door while I’m getting yelled at. Because THAT always makes cr*p happen faster!

Things start to blur a little. More zombies are coming, a horse arrives, our remaining team mate turns up with a duffel bag with our guns in it and Jasper disappears into a small window on the top floor where there had been a gun sticking out.

The door finally cracks enough to allow me to stick my arm through and open the latch on the other side. Booting the door open, I yell for everybody to get inside, although apparently those childlike voices asking us to come and play were very happy I’d opened the door as it seemed like I’d found where they were coming from.

The zombies were proving a distraction, but Max proved just as handy with a bow and the last of them fell and we all scarpered into the mill, only to come face to face with a little girl staring at one of our team members as he dropped his sword (yep, we apparently have a bloody samurai, and what’s worse, he’s damn good at swinging that sword, and it was proving that maybe I’d get some tutoring since bladed weapons seemed to work really well).

Clearly that little girl was part of the issue here, so after she scuttled round biting people and talking in a creepy, but charismatic voice, she had to be put down. She was so damn FAST!

I ended up cutting her head off cos I couldn’t be sure she’d stay put otherwise. When that happened, there was a loud scream from up top, so I followed the others as they ran up the stairs.

Jasper was down, and a man holding a gun was looming over him. Not just any man though. This was the Amish Elder! And there was another child as well, looking p*ssed and fangs protruding and all.

They actually didn’t last long, but we did gang up on them and got plenty violent. It seems to be the best course of action.

A long story short, we returned to the village, gave them the bad news, reported the mission to the government and got a bit of a payday. It was time for a chunk of relaxation since a couple of the boys had some fairly nasty wounds to heal.

My Normal Life Part 1
In which the Amish have issues

Mission Ratings:
Craziness – 6/10
Number of Dead People Who Talked To Me – 2 (Do Zombie groans count too)

So we had our first proper mission finally. It involved checking out some strange goings on at an Amish village.

The Amish themselves were reasonably welcoming, once we shed ourselves of the sin of technology. At least they let us keep our phones, as long as we didn’t use them in front of them. I dunno, maybe they’re worried my phone will steal their soul (pretty sure it already has mine.) There was a shindig of sorts, and I somehow ended up at the kids table. For some reason this feels like it was AGES ago.

The Amish mentioned something about missing children, and suggested we go investigate an abandoned village where creepy stuff happens and it’s misty all the time. We, of course, did the smart thing, and immediately went home. Except, we didn’t. Instead we went off to investigate cause we’re so brave and stuff.

Not sure how brave we were feeling when we were trapped in a small house, in the middle of the night, surrounded by zombies. Or when creepy little girls were asking us to come out and play. On the bright side, everyone else heard the little girls this time, so it wasn’t just me.

Once the sun was up, and we were feeling a little braver, we set forth to investigate the town. It was your typical haunted abandoned village with minor zombie infestation, so nothing much to see really. Empty schoolhouse. Empty boathouse. Empty playground (it was totally broken before we touche it, I swear.)

That was, until one of the Amish villages started taking put shots at us with a rifle. Turns out the little girls we’d been hearing were his daughters, who had somehow been turned into crazy little bitch-vampires. We’ll never know if they had some “vampire” influence over him, or if he was just him being crazy overprotective, because he didn’t survive his fight with us.

Most importantly though, while he was putting bullets into my colleagues, who were busy fighting off zombies (and losing a long protected fight with a door,) I was being awesome. I totally scaled the side of the mill, leaped in through the window and stopped his sniping with one well placed punch.

And no one saw it.

After that things get a little hazy. Apparently one of his daughters put a mind-whammy on me, and when I cleared my head the rest of the team had fought there way in, killing the Amish man and both his daughters.

Hopefully our next mission is warmer, with less slimy zombies and mind-controlling pre-teens. I’d go for a mission with some hot damsels that need saving. Just so happens I’ve found a report about weird things going on at a sorority. Sounds like a case, what could possible go wrong?

Some people are not what they seem
Max tells it like it is

So on to mission 2 from the Amish mission ( it hurt a lot that mission )

We have records of this girl whom everytine she makes a sandwich a huge dog like creature with no hair appears.

All though the start of this mission eludes me I do know we have picked up a gunslinger by the name of some state. He after watching him work impresses me with his skill with his two hand cannons.

After getting the lay of the land we decide to go visit the mother of this girl that sees dogs.
It leads us to a strip club and as it turns out is the cesspool of strip clubs.
The lady’s if i can call them that are something I would rather forget sooner than later.

I find “Crystal” and have a rather good and bad meeting with her in one of the side rooms. Let’s just say it’s hard to extract information from them when they 1 – don’t give a shit at all about their daughter and 2 – they have their mouth full at the time.
I did get out of her that the daughter is the general direction of her pointed waving hand and allso looks Like an older version of herself. This was some sort off good news we know what she looks like.

So off we went in the direction of the vague pointed hand.
We came across some so called gang bangers.
This being my specialty I offered cash for information to the gang banger , he looked disinterest, this should have been my first clue. So I offered more cash and was meet with “fuck off” .

in my short life so far i have found that there are two types of people in this world 1 – when money is offered they take it and 2 – if money does not work intimidation should work.
So out came the gun.
Again I was wrong there are 3 types of people some where cash does not work , intimidation does not work , they it turns out are people you should fear.

After a lot of shooting and slashing they were dead and I was terribly vexed and sore again.

Looks like the dog creature was following us most of the night and can only communicate via post it stamps and it wants to talk.

And after a short phone call and a small drive I think we have found the gang banger / black ops headquarters. but we are in no shape to go have a “Talk”

Six months in a leaky boat/minivan

Carlos’ journal 4

Jasper found us a case. Apparently cases turn up when you go specifically trawling through crackpot sites. I thought he was looking up Hentai…

Anyway, some chick a few years back started seeing some sort of hairless beast that shes taken to calling a skinwalker. She’s seen it several times since, so we figure until the government can come up with something else that we need to do, we might as well chase up this. Who knows, we might get paid out of this somehow.

A quick stop to a local gun merchant proved more interesting than it probably should have, but I got a sweet-ass axe out of it, even if Kilo DID nearly get shot for talking back to the shop keep. Not really sure what they had to argue about though. I got an axe, he got money…now I just need him to find me that ballistics shield.

We had a new guy turn up, courtesy of the government. Calls himself Tennessee. I think he and Max are gonna get along just fine since they seem to talk about nothing but pistols and sh*t.

It was a long trip, four days to be precise to the town where Jasper found our lead. The minivan smells something funky, and I’m glad to be getting out of it. Be good to find a shower and bed, in that order.

Found a bar instead. Had some drinks, listened to the new guy talk the ear off the barkeeper, got a destination after the bottle of whiskey is drunk and heading to a strip club. Now this is turning out to be the sort of mission I can get used to!

Gotta wait ages to get in. Apparently, 3pm isn’t the best time for strip clubs to be open. Worth the wait though. As soon as we’re in, I find a hot chick draped over my lap and while the others are staring round in something resembling horror, I get me a sweet, private dance. Well, partially private. Max keeps popping his head through and getting yelled at by the bouncers.

Just as I get back to the group, Max finds another chick. She’s smoking hot. Called Crystal or somfin. He’s gone for a bit, but we get a hell of a dodgy picture of this chicks face down in Max’s nads region. Apparently we’re gonna need to know what this chick looks like cos she’s the Mom of the girl we’re after, and they look a fair bit alike.

A got ourselves a general direction downtown to the industrial district and we see some young gang punks loafing around. The minivan is pulled up Max hops out, flashes some street cred round (read into that…dollar, dollar bills) and gets a little bit of info, but a whole lot more attitude. The street cred turns into a pistol to the face and the one remaining ganger gives us a rough address while his mates ditch him and bolt.

Of course, it descends into a f*cking firefight. At least with monsters, we KNOW they need killing. These street thugs seem to have got in the wrong place at the wrong time, but Kilo, Arlo and Max get a few rounds pumped into them, but plenty of bullets go the other way, along with Kilo’s sword (mad bastard) make fairly short work of the little pricks. They seemed like pretty good shots though.

And apparently our actual target was there as well, but I went charging out of the van to find it and never saw the bloody thing. We barreled into the vehicle and shot the gap, hoping no local police came running at the sound of copious amounts of gunfire.

On our way to a tentative destination, we spotted a highly defended building with guards on top, surrounded by sandbags and carrying fairly heavy weaponry. Weird.

We pulled over to stop and somehow there was a postit note on the windscreen that we hadn’t noticed.

“Things aren’t as they seem. I’m not your enemy.”

Gotta be that creature. With several of us sporting bullet wounds, we needed to hole up for a couple of days, so I stuck a note on the back of the postit asking for a meeting. Can’t hurt eh?

Starting to wish I'd taken the blue pill

Carlos’ journal 5

First step…find somewhere to crash. Second step…get some medical supplies. Third step…figure out who the hell this skinwalker is and set up this meeting.

Step one is easy. Cheap and fairly scummy motels all along the drag, so we head towards the nearest one. Checking on Max and Arlo, and I spot something out of my peripheral vision.

“Holy sh*t!” That’s the girl we’re looking for!"

Yep, providence strikes at the weirdest times. Jasper pulls out a u-turn and slowly pulls up beside her. I’m winding the window down and Stacey is already waking towards us. Apparently having sex with six strange men in the back of a minivan for the whole night is $500. Luckily for her, we’re not actually planning on doing that, although Max looks more than a little interested, mumbling something about collecting the whole set.

We find a motel, grab a couple of rooms, with an adjoining door between them and I head to the pharmacy with Jazz (yeah, Jasper has a nickname apparently, and we’re supposed to use it) and grab a ton of really basic medical supplies and rush back to the motel and get to work looking after the lads wounds. Luckily I got a little more than basic first aid training. It’s damn near a must logging in the middle of nowhere.

Knock on the door and some dude is wanting to talk to our leader. Whiskey Tango Foxtrot! He’s trying to tell me his name is Ward, but I tell him to sod off and talk to the guys next door. I got people with bullet wounds to look after.

Of course, it doesn’t take long before the internal door opens and Ward wanders in with Ten, Jazz and Kilo. The kid, Stacey, is asleep next door, and shock f*cking horror, she turns out to be Wards kid.

She’s a wash out and Crystal hasn’t been letting Ward anywhere near the kid, so he has bee keeping an eye on her. More than a little creepy sneaking round hiding in bushes watching teenage girls, but each to their own.

He’s what Stacey was writing about. He’s something called a druid. Loves nature and sh*t from the looks of it, and can turn into animals. Glad he didn’t feel the need to do that in the room to prove anything, but he DID put his nature lovin’ hands on both the wounded boys and they popped up, right as rain.

Magic. Dude…

Anyway, a favour was being asked of us, and Ward was using himself as payment. He was willing to be a contact for us and provide us with healing as and when he could. After seeing what he just did, that’s looking pretty handy. Catch was, those gangers we iced were part of a slightly bigger operation, being run by a creepy old Irish dude who had tried to do naughty stuff to Ward’s daughter.

We were to go in, sort that sh*t out, but leave the Irish guy for Ward. Now, there was nothing supernatural about this, and this isn’t our beef, so a wee vote was had to decide if we wanted to go ahead and do. Long story short, we did. For any number of reasons. Me? Well, Ward was a potentially very valuable source of information and leads, and there was the gun running f*cktards and their rapey boss getting their comeuppance to sweeten the pot.

We got some basic schematics of the building they were in and Ward assured us he could deal with the two gunners on the roof with no noise and then get us inside. From there, it was up to us.

A wee shopping trip to gather miscellaneous stuff like masks, tape, rope and the like took up a good chunk of the day and then it was time for some sleep.

Ten PM rolled around and Ward showed up right on time, ready to go. So go we did.

Ward took care of the guys on the roof as promised and then came and got us and let us in. No time for p*ssing round, Jazz burst through the door and opened fire, followed by Ten lobbing his mini cannons bullets at the poor sap in view. That f*cker never stood a chance and went down like a sack of sh*t.

I rushed over between two large shipping crates and could hear the sound of automatic gunfire and a few cries of pain. I bolted up the to the loading dock and opened the only door I could see. It turned out to be an empty office. With automatic gunfire still going off, I lobbed a couple of flares up the stairs to buy us a few seconds as Jazz caught my idea and yelled.

“Grenades incoming!”

I shot up the stairs and almost immediately got crowded by the rest of the boys as we crammed in the doorway. Jazz started getting all MMA on the nearest guy and more bullets were unloaded in both directions, causing Ten to retreat back to the exit.

I followed up one of the gunmen and had a swing with the new axe. Missed! And the miss cost me big time. The guy stepped back and unloaded a couple of bullets. One in the shoulder and another through the leg. F*ck that hurts. Looking forward to getting the ballistics shield and riot armour, that’s for sure.

With no easy retreat, I rushed the guy and swung the axe, connecting around the clavicle. Turns out this is totally worth the five grand price tag. It cleaved the bastard in twain like a hot knife through butter.

Two guys left, one currently having a violent cuddling session with Jazz and the other trading shots with Max and Arlo. Since he was in reach of a mad charge, I obliged. One swing later and the result was the same as the other guy. Leaves a hell of a mess.

In between swings, Kilo had buzzed through on the coms.


The sirens sounded right outside the warehouse, so escape was going to prove a difficult option. Somebody pointed pedophile Irish Mike would be worth a bounty, so Max and Arlo shot the lock out of the remaining door upstairs and pushed through. I strode past…limped really and collared the old guy and we started marching him out to claim our bounty.

“Freeze! FBI!”

Let’s just say that things went badly for us at this point. Escorted to a holding facility, we were interrogated, held for days, abused for ruining a federal operation and given a job by the Company to hunt down the very man that was due to become our new contact, Ward.

I dunno if Monster Hunter is a viable occupation, but I’m sure as hell paying taxes and I ain’t voting for these pricks next election.

Gave Ward a heads up that we are now “hunting” him and we called it a day and crawled back to the base. A messy end to a hell of a blog. Stacey had better turn out ok, that’s all I’m gonna say about it.


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